Apr 27, 2016
Mar 25, 2016
Mar 24, 2016
I feel like the past month or so I have been evolving at the speed of light. I have been leaning more and more toward acceptance. I've put so much energy into fighting to be "normal" all my life, and now that I've been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and that news has sunk in, I realize that there's such relief in acceptance of it, in learning to swim with the current of my disorder instead of fighting to swim upstream and being constantly confused and frustrated when it's a struggle, because it seems so easy for everyone else. I'm not everyone else, and that's not only okay, it's awesome. It's not about fitting a mold, ,it's about finding a healthy balance. As true as that is about my mental space, I realized it's also true about physical space. I am fat. I have been fighting the fat for years, depriving myself of things I love and then getting so bitter about it that I binge eat - and although I have had success with weight loss at times in the past through restrictive eating, the end result is I am back where I started.
I am no longer punishing myself for being on the spectrum, or for being fat, any more than I would punish myself for having brown eyes or being tall. It's just who I am, and I can choose to be negative or I can choose to be positive.
I have been doing a lot of meditation and working on mindfulness and reading more about Buddhism, which I have always been drawn to. I seek the enlightenment of the Buddha, and I especially love images of the fat, laughing Buddha. I have few memories of childhood but I remember a carved Buddha statue, robust and joyful, belly out and smiling, that was always in our house. I was looking at a statue of fat Buddha recently and it suddenly occurred to me that what drew me to that image was the concept of fat and happy, the ability to be rotund and joyful, to find peace regardless of appearance, to be who you are and to do it with complete self love and acceptance and spread joy and be a calm amidst your own storm, and I realized that's my path, that's my enlightenment, that is one of the most important lessons I am here to learn - self-acceptance.
I accept myself, as is, and I accept that I am an aspergirl and will always see things differently than most, and that I have a larger mass than most, that there is more of me to love and there may never be less, and I go forward with the realization that this is the body and mind I was born into, and I will feed this body and this mind, love this body and this mind, nurture this body and this mind, and this body and this mind and I will bake and hike and garden and love and laugh and rest and play and dance and swim and have great adventures, not despite what we are but because that is who we are and it is what we are here to do.